visits from home, my pet cat, and ruminations on the beauty standard

 Life has been so hectic lately. Last week, my mom came into town; we went shopping and ate a lot of good food and it was a great time. Throughout my life, my mother has always been so caring and has given me everything I could ever want, and I feel so blessed that she continues to treat me with such love even into my adulthood. One of my favorite things to do is watch hauls on TikTok, so maybe I'll photograph everything I got and post one here... 

here's some pictures from our trip to Ptown :)

 

Although I had a lovely time with my mother, I was left exhausted afterwards. Usually, I spend one of my days off of work either rotting in bed or resetting my life by cleaning my home and doing extensive self-care, but I obviously didn't have the time for that last week. So when she left and I had another day off, I did the former. Although spending a day in bed doesn't feel the best, I've learned to stop criticizing myself for doing nothing because sometimes I really do need it. There is nothing better than waking up without an alarm and realizing you have no plans or responsibilities hanging above your head. Nobody is waiting on you or expecting anything from you. It's pure bliss.

A few days later, I did get around to cleaning and resetting. My self-care routine consists of an everything shower (double shampoo, let the conditioner sit, body scrub, two different body washes, shave, the whole nine yards), various skincare products and potions, grooming my eyebrows, and blowing out my hair. And even though I love to spend time on myself and I truly find this ritual relaxing, sometimes I pause and wonder how much of this I would be doing if it weren't for the extreme pressure put on women to be beautiful and pristine. I am conscious that by doing many of these things, particularly shaving, I am allowing myself to succumb to a society that does not have my best interests at heart. But no matter how many times I remind myself of that, I just can't stop.

What is it about me that makes it nigh impossible for me to align my actions with my beliefs? If I see a woman who is unshaven or with natural, undone hair, I don't bat an eye. I think she is beautiful. But it is so difficult for me to look at myself and think the same; so I spend an exorbitant amount of time grooming myself to look as close to beautiful as I can muster. I could spend that time reading or writing or making art, but instead I seem pretty happy to pluck every stray eyebrow hair considering how much energy I put into it on a consistent basis. In my heart, I know it does not matter, but it really feels like it does. I'm trying to work on it, but it seems like the older I get, the more I can't help but care, and I am constantly falling deeper and deeper into my desire to look perfect.

Anyways. This week has been particularly hectic because my boyfriend came home one day and saw that our cat, Peppercorn, had a swollen ear, so he scheduled a vet appointment and it turned out that she needed surgery. She is now stuck in a doughnut around her neck that looks like an orange slice, and she is both drugged up and kind of miserable. I feel so bad for her, but she looks so damn cute. Caring for her has been a hassle and the procedure was ridiculously expensive, so now I'm pretty much dead broke and my exhaustion has returned.

My work schedule is sporadic at best these next couple of weeks so I'm hoping I can use my extra free time to finish the book I'm reading, because I've fallen disastrously behind on my reading goals. I've deleted even more social media sites from my phone and, in turn, any excuses I had to not be productive. 

Love,

Haley