Social Media is Making Me Stupid

Once again, I have deleted most forms of social media from my phone.

I have historically gone through phases of doom scrolling until it kills me, with days of eight hour screen time and nothing accomplished. It's almost like an addiction— I tell myself I can stop anytime I want, but I never really believe the words that come out of my mouth. If nothing else, I am a liar at heart, and I am my own most unsuspecting victim.

I love the internet; always have, always will. Everyday, I see think pieces about how evil the algorithm is, how social media is rotting our brains and destroying our culture, and while I do often agree with many of their points, they often avoid discussing the beauty that the internet brings us. I don't think I really became a person until I created my first fan page at the tender age of 12, when my tiny little brain was opened up to a vast world that reached far beyond my narrow private school scope. The internet has allowed me to see past what's right in front of my eyes, and has helped me discover myself in a deeper way than I may have been able to if I was forever stuck in the echo chamber of my own community. I have made friends across the globe, found life-changing music and movies, and learned so much in my free time before bed, scrolling on my phone. The internet gives and gives, and I find it hard to understand how anyone can't love it.

 Of course, the current state of web browsing has become predatory, with companies infecting us with privacy breaches and ads at every turn. That's not to mention the role the internet has played in rising conservatism and misogyny. But there are a million articles and blog posts and Instagram captions about that already, and that's not what I'm here to discuss.

The real reason I deleted social media was because I felt myself getting dumber. Social media plays no small role in my years-long battle of trying to figure out how to write again. How to make it pop through my bones and onto the page... because it's not that I don't have anything to say, it's just that I've forgotten how to say it.

There are too many words, and I've forgotten how to spell most of them. Sometimes I feel like I need to sit down on the hardwood and read a dictionary cover to cover to try and relocate even a semblance of who I once was, of who I thought I could become. I spent all my time scrolling, and I forgot how to speak, let alone write. I guess the problem is that, when I was young, the kind of stuff I used to engage with on the internet was inspiring. I used to sit there reading song lyrics and trying to commit them to memory, or reading through old blog posts of musicians I loved. I would read Rimbaud until I felt myself becoming him.

Now, I just watch funny videos and girls talk about what kind of makeup they're buying. And there's nothing wrong with that, but it's not exactly bettering me as a person.

Sometimes, I lose sight of balance. Sitting there and mindlessly scrolling is just so easy, and living can be so hard, so why wouldn't I want to escape into the digital realm where nothing is my fault and no problems are mine to carry around? It may be partially the fault of the algorithm, but I'm responsible for myself, and I know that I can use the internet in an intentional way to actually better my life and my intellect, I've just been lazy and chosen not to for far too long. Thus, the only solution was to start from scratch and try to remember who I was before I drank the Kool-Aid.

Honestly, it's kind of been great. I still haven't written much, but I've been teaching myself basic coding, playing more guitar, and reading more than usual. Sometime soon, I hope to find the words I want to write down again, even if they don't make sense (and to be honest, I've always loved myself the most when I'm nonsensical; I do my best writing when I'm a little less than lucid). The goal behind everything I do is to be a better writer, and even writing casual, silly, and unedited stuff like this helps inch a little closer.

I'll come back to the realm of social media once I've written something I'm proud of, no matter how long that may take. Maybe I need to read Ryan Ross's old livejournal posts for inspiration. 

Love,

Haley